Tuesday, February 12, 2013

One Direction: Straight to Hell

Preteen girls all over the world are obsessed with the band One Direction. They know their names, likes, dislikes, birthdays and pets' names.

Make that preteen girls and at least one pre-menopausal woman.

That's right, folks, JDub has turned to the dark side.

I knew her daughter OJ was a fan, and she should be...she's 13. I was in her room not long ago and there were posters all over her wall of the band. (JDub informed me that the shorthand for the band is 1D. Which will also be her cell-block number when she's committed.)

But JDub is...well...not 13. I called her yesterday and asked what she was doing. Her response? "I'm looking at 1D stuff on the internet."

And that wasn't the first time she's answered my question like that.

Frankly, it's scaring me a little. During the course of our conversations, she asked me if I had any concert connections in Chicago, told me she wanted a pair of red Doc Martens that she could paint 1D on one of them (I said it should be a fleece), admitted she was like one of those Twi-hard Moms we make fun of, and when asked how old the eldest member of the band was, she knew.

I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

I'm all for being a music fan. I've been loving Weird Al since I was 8 and know all sorts of things about him. But he was never a teen pop sensation, or ever featured in a special poster edition of Teen Beat Magazine. (Though if he was, full disclosure, I would have bought it.) When I was in 5th grade, New Kids on the Block were big, and I was a fan. (Though to be fair, I wasn't as big of a fan as some of the other girls. I never had the NKOTB sleeping bag or jean jacket, but I know girls that did.) In college, many of my friends were ironically fans of 98 Degrees and/or Backstreet Boys. I didn't get into it at all, but hey, more power to ya.

There's always room for more crazy at the Pathetic Mom Club.

I asked JDub if she was ever a boy band fan back in the late 90s. She said no. "Clearly," I said. "You were saving yourself for 1D."

When I was in 2nd grade, Tiffany entered the scene. I had a friend that saw her at a shopping mall and had her poster up on her wall. Her mom came in the room and started gushing. "Yeah! She [Tiffany] has a new boyfriend and his name is Danny and he's soooo cute, and look, she signed my jean jacket..."

I was 7 years-old and I'll never forget this. It was the first time I pitied an adult. And I felt pretty bad for my friend, too. I mean this gushing embarrassment of a grown woman was her mom.

Ahem. JDub, take from that story what you will.

OJ may think it's super cool her mom is a 1D fan with her, but I'm setting an egg timer for when she totally rebels, trades 1D for Skrillex, buys the black lipstick and pierces something on her face. And it could have all been prevented.

I mentioned that JDub needed an intervention. That's when she told me I was late to that party; her other friends have already said this to her, possibly staged one through Skype. I told her I had to get off the phone and she said, "You're totally going to look up 1D on the internet now, aren't you?"

Uh, not even if I was related to them.

She also told me their names. It's something like Harry, Louie, Zane, Liam, and Niles. You know, like the books in the Bible. I can never unlearn that.

She won't admit which is her favorite, but says that her obsession love of the band is purely innocent. After all, she says with a heavy sigh, she's old enough to be all of their mother.

I'm a little scared for all of us right now. This is the world we live in. She wants to make a shirt to wear to the concert she plans on going to this summer, the concert she's looking to buy some scalped tickets to, the concert she's entertaining the thought of driving to Detroit for.

If she gets a 1D tattoo, our friendship is over.


I emailed JDub to warn her about this post, and here's what I got back on my phone:

What are all of these, you ask? Here's a sample:

She needs help. Serious help.

1 comment:

  1. She does need serious help. Come ON - it looks like he stole his sisters' Wet 'n Wild Cotton-Candy lipstick!