Friday, January 27, 2012

Video Friday

I know this is pretty region-specific, but I am originally from Chicago (okay, just the suburbs) and this was super funny. Pretty accurate to boot, too!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Frankenfoot

So you know that drawing I did last week of my foot?

Let me remind you:

I was a little off.

It's not my fault. As is hospital protocol, I was not allowed to be awake during surgery. I only drew for you what was told to me before my surgery.

And from what I'm learning, surgery and improv have a lot in common.

I had a doctor's appointment last week to follow up on my surgery. First was x-rays and the very funny x-ray lady cut my temporary cast off. She had me lay down and sit up slowly before I saw my foot.

(In full disclosure, I did tell her a story of when I had knee surgery with only 3 staples and passed out when I took off the bandages to shower. I hit the ceramic tile like a wet towel. I'm sure telling her this story alerted her that I could be a liability at her office.)

It looked a little differently than I thought it would. I really did think it would look something similar to my picture, minus the interior art I drew for you.

(My favorite part of this picture is that the trash can in the x-ray room is labeled. Awesomesauce!)
It wasn't. At all. I used to call my foot the Frankenfoot because it was so grossly deformed. Now, its the Frankenfoot because it looks like it was pieced together at the morgue and slapped on my ankle.

The amount of stitches (39) was the first surprise. The second surprise was the x-ray. Remember, I thought I only had 1 screw. I learned that the reason the inside of my foot was field dressed was because they put in FIVE screws. And a metal plate. And some army guys and someone's keys and one of those hearts from Build a Bear workshop.

I then went from the x-ray room to the cast room where my stitches were removed (and Disgruntled Husband left to go admire the waiting room artwork before he became a patient too) and my real cast put on.

The guy that did my cast, Dr. Dan, was super funny and interesting...and competitive and artistic. I told him of my friend Jenny that recently broke her wrist (don't text and Target...) and that she had a cast. He took it as a personal challenge, telling me that my cast would blow her cast out of the water. (I never saw Jenny's cast...she lives 3 hours away. Not that this mattered to Dr. Dan.) With quite a bit of deliberation, we decided on colors and patterns.

Here's Dr. Dan's artwork:

For Valentine's Day, ya know!
Please, try to contain your jealousy.At least I have something pretty to look at for the next 4 weeks.

In other news, I am addicted to Amazon and thank my lucky stars they invented their Prime program. UPS dude has been here every day this week. Today's delivery was a set of I can at least try not to get any fatter while I'm on my ass until spring.

(But yesterday's delivery was candy, so maybe not.)

I have 4 weeks and 6 days remaining. Not that I'm counting.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Viral Friday

Merry Friday. I think the best way to celebrate Fridays is to have an awesome video for you all to see and spread to your friends. Because what better way to celebrate the end of the week than with a viral youtube video to timesuck your day away?

This video is someone I know. The guy in the red shirt is Hoover's godfather. Uncle Stephen once sent him a 5lb gummi bear for his 5th birthday. I suppose I matched up the godfather and the kid correctly.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

PMS and Fleece: Happy Birthday JDub!

Dear What Not To Wear AND the makers of Midol:

I'd like to introduce you to my friend JDub. This is JDub:

"Shut it DOWN."

This is from last spring when we took a digital photography class. This is her typical outfit: fleece. But her other friends and I know that this fuchsia fleece, while colorful and warm, is not her favorite. Her favorite is a thinning light bluish grey fleece. The carbon dating isn't back yet, but we think it's from the Jurassic Period.

Now, to say that JDub has a favorite fleece is kind of like saying she has a favorite kid: she loves them all equally but for different reasons. It's a little reminiscent of Monica on Friends with her towels: JDub has her dressy fleece, her painting fleece, her 2nd layer fleece (this is a fleece that is big enough to go over another fleece), her black-tie fleece, her work fleece, and her summer fleece.

I once went clothes shopping with JDub. It was in the top three of traumatic events in my life. She liked nothing. For five hours. I would have hung myself by a dressing room rod, but she didn't want to stay at one store. Oh no. We had to traipse around West Towne Mall so she could share her joy of fashion and clothing open-mindedness with other retail locations.

I have not been shopping with her since.

However, the other day she called so I could do some online shopping with her, since I was laid up. I should have known. Even technology couldn't save me. Nothing online was working for her either, and when I asked to describe what she wanted, here's what she said, "I want cute kid's clothes in my size."

Oh Stacy and Clinton...I've got a live one for you!

All joking aside, JDub is a fantastic person and a great, yet bitchy, friend. (Although, one could say she's not as bitchy as me! And lots of "ones" have.) She is super woman at home, work, and church (for real...she's just the girl that can't say no). Her idiosyncrasies (including, but not limited to, changing her home color scheme and being seduced by Sherwin Williams, serving a healthy repertoire of dinner such as sandwiches, chili, or pizza, PMS so bad the television channels have warning for it like school closings, and well, we've already covered the fleeces) only make her crazier more lovable.

Happy birthday JDub! You make senior citizenry something to look forward to. ;)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

It's Super Bunion!

All right, all right. Everyone settle down.

(In my head, this image is like the real teacher coming in after a long-term sub. Only this time, the sub is dead air and I don't really think I'm teaching you anything.)

I am aware that I haven't posted in almost a month. Think about the last time I posted...December 21st. Then, it was Christmas. Then it was the week my kids were off of school. Then it was New Years.

Then I had surgery.

Two weeks ago, on January 4th, I had foot surgery. My left foot had a horrible bunion on it since I was about 12. It's hereditary (seriously, you should have seen my family reunion back in September...we should have coordinated it with the American Podiatry Association).

Now, I know what you're thinking, "A bunion? That's no big deal."

Oh, this was no ordinary bunion. It was a super bunion. With super powers. I swear, it needed a cape.

I've been to the podiatrist in the past, and was always advised to wait until my children weren't babies any more, so I could recover appropriately.

Well, we were at that point of life. So I went back in, had x-rays, and was promptly told that it was above and beyond what my podiatrist could do, so he sent me to an orthopedic surgeon.

I told you this was a Super Bunion.
I hope you like my artist's rendition. This is actually pretty accurate as to what my foot looked like. Seriously, it was like it was trying to grow another big toe.

Now, it's not a matter of vanity for me. (Maybe my step-sisters, because they couldn't even look at it in the summers!) It effected my walking, my balance, how long I could stay on my feet, and it even got to the point that I couldn't find shoes to fit any more. Mini-Me is going to kindergarten in the fall, which means I really, REALLY need to find a long-term job. And unfortunately, around where I live, most of the jobs involve standing or walking for long periods of time.

The surgery was scheduled for January 4th. I did this for two reasons: 1.) I didn't want to do it before Christmas and 2.) It's an EIGHT week recovery, and honestly, what am I going to do in January in Wisconsin anyway?

Eight weeks of recovery may not sound too bad. However, it's 8 weeks totally off my foot. No weight bearing whatsoever. I've been living in my basement since, with help from Disgruntled Husband, my mom and other friends to get me food, and take care of the kids.

Quite frankly, it sucks. There's a lot of TV watching, a lot of Facebook time, and my beloved Sims have left me. (The Wii stopped working two days after surgery. I cried.)

I haven't written because the drugs finally ran out (who wants a post from Percoset Place?) and there really isn't anything going on.

It's been that exciting, folks. DH is ready to kill me, the kids have stopped coming down here in fear that I ask them to bring me something, and the cats are looking at me like, "Hey, you fat lazy blob. Sitting in the chair all day is my gig. Get the F up."

So that's where I'm at right now. I take all suggestions of books or movies, and hey, while you're up, can you get me some Diet Dr. Pepper?