Facebook Rules to Live By

My friend Jimmy introduced me to Facebook in 2008. After the first week, I had 200 friends. I don't know if he was scared or impressed. Then I got a DSL line, ditched the dial-up, and well, let's just say that if Facebook could be a friend, I would have had it stand up in my wedding.

I am a little bummed that Facebook happened after all my babies were born. That would have been very cool to share all of that fun stuff on-line, but silly me, I had my last baby in 2007. Disgruntled Husband told me right before his vasectomy that Facebook is not a valid reason to have another baby.

Most of what I read on Facebook is either funny or informative, but you know there are social rules that one must follow. And yes, I believe it is up to me to instruct others on Facebook etiquette.

(By the way, if you want to follow The Snarky Mom on Facebook, here's the link. I'm almost at 200 followers,which sounds suspiciously like a cult, but way more fun and without the whole matching-robes-and-cyanide-pills thing.)

F-this.

The Snarky Mom's Facebook Rules. Don't make me come through the screen and beat you.

1.) Do not invite me to play your game. Ever.

2.) If you don't know how to use Facebook, consult Google. If you don't know how to use Google, get off the computer. (This is mostly for the over 50 crowd. Whom I generally love and adore, but if I see one more status update meant for someone's wall -and signed at the end of said update- I might have to e-mail you a virus.)

3.) Grammar and spelling rules apply on Facebook. I don't want to read your text language or random capitlizations. Minor (and sincere) spelling atrocities are okay. As long as I can point them out for everyone to see and laugh at.

4.) If you put something inflammatory on your status update, expect bad things to happen. If you want to start something, fine, just don't be surprised at the comments you get. Things like politics tend to incite cyber riots. I almost lost a few friends during the 2008 election. I learned my lesson.

5.)Spam happens. Want to know how to stop it? Don't click on anything that tells you you've one a free iPad, plane tickets, or video with naked girls.

6.) If you change your status update every 15 minutes and fill my news feed page, expect to be blocked or even de-friended.

7.) I don't care if its friend week, daughter week, mother week, or former dead cat week; your carbon copy updates proclaiming it so is annoying and I will not be "posting this to [my] status."

8.) If you post about you're upcoming vacation, have your address as part of your information, and have people you don't  know as friends on Facebook, you deserve to be robbed.

9.) I can guarantee that if I "like" something you write, it's because I have a comment to make about whatever it is you posted, but don't want to be bothered with the millions of lame notifications that I'll receive if I actually type said comment. The short-lived "don't notify me" button was awesome and Zuckerberg needs to bring that back.

10.) We're not in high school. I will friend you if we went to high school together and you weren't a total psychopath back then (and if you ask). I have the capacity to forgive and know that people mature beyond their senior year. However, having said that, if you once threatened to pull a knife on me in a school bathroom for supposedly telling people you like Nazi stuff (which I didn't), don't expect me to accept your friend request. Ever. I don't care if you are a lawyer in Indiana now. See the "psychopath" language above.

Any other suggestions to the list? Let me know!