Thursday, April 7, 2011

Wapner, eat your heart out

When I married my husband, I knew he was a Poly Sci major and lawyer. I didn't make too much of it because I didn't think I needed to.

Ten year later, he may have changed who I am.

Tuesday night, my husband was elected to municipal judge. There was a primary, then a main election, and his name scrolled across the television like all the other races. He won with 56% of the vote.


No, no, no. Don't get me wrong. I've very proud of my husband. But, like most things that happen to other people, one of my first reactions is "How will this affect me?"

Since it's only been two days since he danced the victory dance at his office, I'm not yet sure how this will change either of our lives.

Some people have told me now that I'm a "judge's wife" I have to be demure and sophisticated and, most notably, know when to shut-up. He's going to an honest-to-God judges class in May, and yet I feel like I need a class to figure out what to do, too. Although I think mine would be more like the one Eliza Doolittle took than anything my husband will be attending.

And just in case someone out there is reading who may be able to help me, I've developed a list of questions I have, now that I have to be all proper and lady-like. Well, I should say, these are sub questions, because question number one involves the term "Judicial clothing stipend."

- Do I have to wear hats when I leave the house?
- When I flip someone off, does my fingernail on that finger need to be manicured?
- Just how expensive does my lipstick have to be, and if the answer is "very," does the city fund my shopping spree to Sephora?
-Can I get window darkeners on the not-so-mini van like limousines have?
-Are Crocs and jeans no longer acceptable?
-What about current events? That is, do I have to know something about them? (Because like Kate and Lydia say, if there's not a rolling ticker on Diego, I'm not going to know what happens during the day)
-Do my children need to be seen and not heard? Sub question: How do I accomplish that?
-Will I be invited to my town's inner circle of society events? (Note: that's generally Lia Sophia parties in the "nice"neighborhood and the Rotary fundraiser...which we already go to, but it would be nice if someone actually requested we be there.)
- Since he's paid by the city, will any utility bills and outstanding parking tickets be taken out of his salary?

And one I already know the answer to:
-Does that mean I can't write anymore Letters to the Editor?

I have a list of questions I'd like answered for Disgruntled Husband, too, but they mostly are about his holey Metallica t-shirts and penchant for wearing my hot pink Crocs to get take-out food. I did tell him today that since people have elected him because they think he has good judgement, he's actually going to need to exercise good judgement at home. This may or may not have been said as he points out that he forgot about garbage day for the fourth week in-a-row.

Dear Justice Disgruntled Husband: you can no longer wear these to get Taco Bell.

His first court-presiding is May 17th. I told this to my mom, and she asked if all of his relatives would be coming in to watch him. I laughed and told her that I'd already stenciled "Welcome Alleged Criminals" on a bed sheet for just such an occasion.

Somehow, I don't think he'll ever let me in the courtroom.

But yet, he expects me to call him "Your Honor" or "Your Lordship." (I said I have other terms to call him.)He asked why, when he got home from work yesterday, I didn't ask the kids to rise when he entered the room.

And it's only day two.


  1. oh that's amazing! Congrats to the disgruntled highness:)

    I think you have to wear hat AND white gloves now in public...but maybe it's ok to wear them with crocs and jeans. :)

  2. congratulations to disgruntled husband!

    Crocs and jeans, unfortch, are not acceptable ever. Banish them forthwith, and get yourself some (nice) canvas slip-ons and/or ballerina slippers.