Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Aspiring to be a Nielsen Family

I had a very weird experience this past weekend. I got to spend a Saturday all in bed. By myself. With a roll of toilet paper (out of kleenex), a bag of cough drops, two sleepy yet useless cats, and a remote control.

And it was with that remote control which, in and out of napping, showed me the ugly truth about the women aged 25-49 demographic of programming.

They think we're all a bunch of idiots.

Oh, the programming is never good on a Saturday, and admittedly, the only times I get to watch TV on a Saturday is while folding laundry or waiting out a grounding time-period. But laying there, taking it all in at once, I felt dumber. And a little confused.

1.) TLC is no longer educational
Does anyone else remember when TLC stood for "The Learning Channel?" Their only reality series was "A Wedding Story" that was only on once a day at 3:30 p.m. The rest of the time was children's actual learning programming and old ladies teaching us how to crochet and do flower arrangements.

Saturday, while watching TLC, the only thing I learned was from What Not to Wear, and those will only apply when my Brazilian tapeworm starts doing its job. The rest of the programming was a bunch of crap.

Here's my impression of Cake Boss: Oh no! Some big shot wants a huge cake. It's going to be huge. Who screwed it up? Oh no, it might not fit. Ayyyy. I'm so worried. Oh good. It all worked out. What a relief.

Yeah, I learned a lot there. In fact, any of the cooking/baking shows on that channel should all put their heads in the oven and seal off the kitchen.

And anyone on the Say Yes to the Dress or the 4 Weddings Shows that's reading this, I'd like a follow up show documenting how many of the people featured were divorced in the following 18 months. In fact, a classmate of mine does the camera work for many of TLC's shows, and I was thinking of pitching that idea to him to pass along. I'd definitely tune in for that one, and I bet it would be a lot more informational than the other shows.

For the love of God, just turn off the television.

2.) E!
Otherwise known as "You have to be on E! to enjoy this." With the exception of Talk Soup, it's all reruns, gossip, and Ryan Secreast's tiny little suits running around. Though I do enjoy the constant loop of "Knocked Up" every few hours.

But it's E! and no one really expects a lot from it. But even so, during the Sex and the City marathon, they replayed the same 4 episodes over and over again. I understand that most people don't watch E! for more than 2 hours straight, but could you not insult me if I happen to do so?

3.) The Fat Channel 
(I think it's called the Style Network, which seems so mean and ironic when considering their programming.)

Now don't get me wrong, I love me a little weight loss motivation. But Style Network, you have discovered a huge gap in programming, coupled with a nationwide obesity epidemic. So, congratulations for making money while exploiting the cream-filled masses.

Between Ruby and Heavy and Too Fat for 15, I can't look away. I also change the channel everytime I watch and start wondering if Larry Potter is in the right BMI for his height and if MiniMe has the right attitude about food. It's making me consider anorexia, much like the response people have to watching Hoarders.

4.) Infomercials

Did you know there's a bra on the market that can fit anyone, despite their band and cup size? Did you know it's ugly as hell and makes a threadbare sportsbra from Goodwill look like the most supportive bra you own? Can we talk about the condition that's sweeping the nation that makes people not know how to use a colander for draining pasta, nor how to use potholders?

Billy Mays, I miss you. I'd take an OxyClean commercial any day over this crap.

1 comment:

  1. And remember when A & E actually focused on the arts?