Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Here's the Tooth

Dear children:

As happy as I am that you are now brushing your teeth on a regular basis, I feel I need to address a few problem areas in your oral hygiene.

1.) It is not okay to share toothbrushes. I know, I've always tried to make you share, and you look at me like I just told you to run outside naked and roll in the snow. Which is why it perplexes me that you suddenly insist on sharing one of your most personal items. Sometimes, I come in after bedtime and though I know all of you have brushed your teeth, only one toothbrush is wet. This is not okay. I buy toothbrushes like the Kardashians buy hair extensions; there are plenty up there. Which brings me to the next item:

2.) Toothbrushes are to stay in the bathroom. They are not toys, props, Lego's, cat-related items, or weapons. Why I am finding toothbrushes in the toy box or on the floor in the basement really makes me use my imagination. I do not want to use my imagination when it comes to this. Really. And Mini-Me, Clark does not need his teeth brushed. If that gash on your finger doesn't convince you, maybe the fact that he's now scared of Crest will.

3.) Your father and I do not have dental insurance. We also don't have baby teeth. That means we somehow need to keep the teeth we have in good condition. I bought $4 toothpaste and floss at my last trip to Wally World to ensure that your dad and I have enough chompers left to chew our food. Remember when Daddy spit out part of a molar last year? We don't want that happening any more. The Tooth Fairy not only doesn't leave money for adult teeth, she takes about $500 a pop when it happens. The $4 toothpaste is the most expensive toothpaste I've ever bought and I keep it up high for a reason. Whomever keeps climbing up to the top of the cabinet to use the Diamond Encrusted Crest needs to knock it off. See the globby, capless tube of twisted Colgate? That's yours. In the same vein, dental floss is not to make necklaces with.

4.) And while we're talking about toothpaste, let me take this opportunity to clear something up. Toothpaste is not finger paint, lotion, soap, or ointment. It will not cure what ails you, nor make you a famous artist. And I've caught on to the requests for the flavored toothpastes. I will no longer buy any more colored toothpastes in order for you to expand your palate away from blues and whites.

This is not an art medium. It is also not snake oil.

5.) When you spit and rinse, let's not only aim for the sink, but give a courtesy whoosh of water. I don't need to see the evidence of your dental habits when I go in to practice mine.


  1. I am with you up to number five. Perhaps your children are budding environmentalists and don't want to waste water on prettying up the bathroom for you? ;)

  2. I have heard that regular Colgate paste makes a pretty good zit cream. Haven't tried it myself, but just sayin . . . MM